Trigger Warning: This post does not go in depth to what I experienced, but may be a trigger for some. It is a story of how God brought me from where I was to where I am today. If you need help, please do not hesitate to reach out to a friend/family or contact the Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.
Who Am I?
Four years ago, you wouldn’t be able to recognize me. I look the same, but didn’t think the same. I don’t even recognize me. I am now filled with love, joy, peace, and kindness. It’s been a journey, but God has revealed himself and how good He truly is.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.Galatians 5:22-23 NIV
Depression Hit Hard
I was battling depression and wondering if I even deserved to still be alive. I was at a place where I never expected to be. Leading up to this, I was experiencing panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and to top everything off I was loosing my friends. I was at the darkest time ever. I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of what I experienced, but I want to shed the light of how God was always right by my side.
At the time of all of these feelings, I did not have a relationship with God. I grew up Catholic and strayed away. Honestly, I never truly understood God or even knew who He was. I alway thought church was super boring and pointless. If you know me, this thought is very different today!
I didn’t start going to church until a year later, but God was slowly planting seeds. Even thought I felt horrible, I still started college, was super involved, and constantly spent time around people. I did what I always had done, I kept busy and tried not to focus on what I was experiencing.
During my first year of college, I met someone who spoke life into me and was by my side on the worst of my days. He would then go into helping me learn yoga, meditation, essential oils, and the music I was listening to. He helped tremendously during this very crucial time in my life. If it wasn’t for this person, I may not be here today.
side note: I’ve always been against medication (if you are on medication, I am not trying to change your mind. Do what you need!!) and went through everything without the help of medication. My one doctor did not recommend medication due to my complex situation.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.Ephesians 6:12 NIV
Our Choices Change Everything
When I was visiting a friend in Virginia Beach during the summer of 2018, she asked if I wanted to go to church with her and her sister. It was okay if I had said no, but I said yes. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, just didn’t think God was necessary for my life. We went to the service and I completely experienced a God moment which in turn kinda scared me. During this moment, He showed me smiling in the hospital when I was younger. This may not be a huge deal for you, but to me this was huge!!! I have no recollection or memory of my childhood and He gave me a little snippet.
I started going to church with the friend who had helped me up until this point. I was trying to understand Christianity and know the God who gave me this little snippet of my life. The more I dived into reading the Bible and growing a relationship with God; the more I knew who my Father was and that He didn’t want me to be in this depression. It was a battle when I was getting closer to Him and doing the things He has called me to do. I believe this was just Satan attacking because He didn’t want me to know the truth.
As time went on, I would have these moments of depression in my life. The more I turned to God, the easier it got for me to fight against the thoughts and feelings. When we know the truth and live with God, He gives us the strength that we need to fight our fleshly desires.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.Ephesians 5:8-11
Today, I am a person who absolutely loves learning anything about God and I just want to grow closer to Him every single day. I no longer deal with depression. Anxiety is here every now and then, but I know that God will help me through everything in this world we find ourselves in.
I used to not see how God has worked in my life. I am learning new things every single day and He has without a doubt helped me get away from the horrible things that go along with depression and anxiety. I am so happy that I am finally able to share without feeling bad about what I have gone through. I hope my story can help others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Just know that you matter and are loved by God.